Life takes its turn

Well, things are looking up and down right now. It's no secret I have been through hard times hell lately, but things are actually starting to look up some. The only down part right now is kicking this 40 lbs I've gained since last year off. Yes, I have literally gained almost 40 lbs and every time I lose 5 lbs I seem to gain 5 lbs. Ugh such a struggle. Please pray I kick it before the summer, I really don't want to buy a one piece, I refuse. I worked hard for my flat stomach and will have it again!!!

Okay, lets get to the "up news" I met someone and while it's nothing serious, it's a happiness I haven't felt in quite a while. I filled my loneliness and emptiness with my ex-bff, the gym and unfortunately food over the last year, but things are starting to get better. I am taking EVERYTHING one day at a time. I have trust issues and this guy has definitely in the last 3 weeks taken notice of that. I have probably called him a liar for just about everything he has said and yes, I've even gone as far to check the court records, criminal background check, etc. (don't judge me, I've been through hell and I work for attorneys, enough said.) Anyways, he seems to checkout, I haven't mentioned it to my parents but they know I am texting all the time (I HATE talking on the phone, I do that all day at work.) And wonder where I've been sneaking off to some nights. hahaha

Anyways, he seems to be honest and forthcoming, I am not looking for anything serious and I was totally upfront about that with him too. It's nice to have a change from just hanging with friends and having a conversation with someone about your interest, their interest, etc. Weird to think I am "dating" again because I seem to always be in long-term relationships, but I am liking the change.

On another happy note, it made my morning and my realization that God does not forget his children, yes, I have been struggling so much lately with my faith through everything, that I didn't even know if God cared about me, but I am seeing that he does and if I seek him, he is faithful to be there for me. Thanks Megan, you really opened my eyes today. GOD IS GOOD!!!

Additionally, I have been down because for almost a year now I have been searching for another full-time job and yet to have found one. i know the economy has been bad and I am not the only one with this problem, but again, I am giving it to God and praying. Please pray for me a full-time position soon. I am blessed to have my part-time job, but let's face it, I miss being able to do everything I did last year and money is really running low now and now I don't have a car either!!!

I will leave you with this today: Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the ... For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper
you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

and last.....

Isaiah 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.

This Year is MY YEAR!!!!

Well, I've been dealing with a lot of issues lately and have not been able to express or desire to express the situation in here, but here I go.

First off, I feel like crap and hate myself at this moment b/c I've literally put on like 40 lbs since October of this past year, most of which was put on between Thanksgiving and New Year. It's amazing how easy it comes on and how hard it is to lose it. This past weekend was HELL for me and that is putting it nicely. I've been struggling with a lot of people in my life right now and deciding what to do in several different situations. I understand people love and care for me and I understand that I have made so bad decisions when it comes to guys in my past. I've made it no secret about the way my ex treated me in this blog, nor do I intend to start. Yes he abused me both verbally and physically, yes he treated me like I was nothing, yes I stayed, yes I left and went back. But in July last year that all changed for good.

I will always remember my sisters wedding, not just for the wedding, but for the life changing event that took place at her rehearsal dinner. I am being 100% truthful and upfront with this and I hope that you ladies don't judge me because of it. I am not proud of my actions on that night, but I am proud of the overall result that was me ending things with Craig.

It is known by everyone that was friends with us that Craig had a drinking problem and that he was verbally and sometimes physically abusive. I hate to imagine and think that I stayed for almost 5 years, but I did. Those are my mid 20's and I can't get them back for anything. I was controlled like no one should ever be and I see that more clearly with each passing day that went on. And what I had mistaken for happiness, was just someone that I once looked at with love and thought that one day I would get that feeling back adn Jack Daniels would no longer rule our lives.

Alcohol is a killer and I know that better than some and not as well as others. I thank the Lord everyday that I was NEVER killed through everything. The stories I could tell you, you would think, "this girl was crazy for staying as long as she did" and that would be accurate, but to m;y defense I did love him and believe that he could and would change one day. I remember the night he came to my house b/c I hung up on him and refused to go out b/c he was so drunk, he drove to my house and I like an idiot got in the car, I clearly remember the mailbox we hit leaving my neighborhood that should have changed my life forever, but it didn't even awaken me.

I remember the night I was driving his truck down Summer Avenue and yes I was speeding, but that was no reason for him to ball up his fist and hit me not once, not twice, but 3 times in th arm leaving a bruise I still have a picture on my computer of to this day to remind me what I CAN NEVER GO THROUGH AGAIN. I remember lying for him every time he left any physical evidence on my body and saying that it was all my fault. I remember thinking, that if I would just not "talk back" or say such ugly words back to him when he was drinking that it would never have happened, any of it.

Ladies, abuse is real and I am learning everyday the kind of abuse I have allowed myself to suffer at the hand of not only my ex, but the guy I dated through high school too. Yes, I may be crazy but I have come to terms at this point in my life that I can and will NO LONGER allow anyone boyfriend, girlfriends, parents, etc. to control me; the only person who can and should control me besides myself is Jesus. I am thankful today as I write this that I not only survived one abusive relationship, but I survived 2!!! I WILL NEVER GO BACK AND REPEAT THAT AGAIN!!!

As I write this right now to hold not only myself responsible but to try and get people to understand it's not always black and white and it's not always easy just turn and walk away. Yes, I wish I had now, but I can't change it. I let it happen as much as it happened to me because I stayed and went back.

I have been miserable and yet happier than I've been in a long time the last 6 months, but I've allowed my weight to come back on in a big way in a short time. I WILL get it off if it kills me before may, it's like 2 lbs a week, I can do that!!! But more than that, I want to be happy again and when I was an 8 I was happy with myself. 2 sizes bigger. I HATE what I look and feel like and I will make it b4 May comes to a close!!!!

I am starting a book today called "Codependent No More" I realize I have an issue with "people pleasing" and I really should have an issue with "God pleasing" and "Meredith pleasing". My life is better now because of what I've been through and as my old pastor told me, God may have had you go through all this to help someone else some day.

Please pray for me as I seek what I need to do out, I have to admit that I am a very bitter and angry person, not just at Craig, but at myself too. I chose to take him back and say 4 1/2 years too long. But at this point, God is really pulling on my heart and I know he's going to do something great if I just listen and not let the anger and resentment take over my life. From today on I will NOT let the past control me or my weight and I will become the HAPPIEST I'VE EVER BEEN.

This year will be MY YEAR!!!!

Proverbs 18:10 "The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe."

I have the BEST Dad EVER!!!

Okay, I must share, a lot of you know that I have been through a rather tough year. While some people would say, "I brought it on myself", I disagree, you can't help but love who you love and when someone is promising to change and stop drink so much, you want nothing else but to believe that they can do it and will change their life around and turn to God. However, as I have learned, you can NOT make anyone want to change or admit that they have a problem. Through thick and thin, my father has been there to listen, let me cry on his shoulder, and hear more than ANY father would truly want to hear or see about their little girl being mistreated by someone who is suppose to love her. (and yes, as I've said before, since I was never close to my mother, I would tell my dad after my ex would hit me sometimes or he would just happen to see the mark on my body). Needless to say, no father wants to see that for his little girl.

My Dad, my youngest nephew, Daniel and me at my sisters wedding 7-2-10

I am SO beyond bless to have a father that is a man of God and so blessed that my father and mother taught me to lean on God in bad times, okay, maybe I've not always done the best, but last night, my father said the sweetest thing to me, "Meredith, I just have to say, you seem happier now than I've seen you in years and I'm so glad you finally left Craig in the past to have to clean up his own mess'. While that brought tears to my eyes, on many different levels (b/c I can't say I don't miss having a companion or the companionship, but I DON'T miss the abuse both verbal and physically that I suffered at his hand. (BUT, since I wasn't strong enough to leave on my own, God intervened and I truly believe saved my life in many ways!)

I love you Daddy and thank you for always being a Godly example, a shoulder to cry on, and just listening above all else.

Birthday Weekend

28! Wow! I feel like I'm getting so old now. I can't believe that I am 28. Where has the time gone? Do you ever remember as a kid thinking, "I can't wait till I'm older" or "When I'm older" or "When I grow up"? Well, I'm at the point where I'm at, "If I could go back" or "If I could have known then what I know now". I am a true believer in everything happening for a reason, but really, sometimes I wish I could see what the reasons are now instead of in the future.

So, I say all this to say, I'm rethinking my future and where my life is going. I am blessed to know, that God has me in his hands, but sometimes I wish I could see what he sees. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful to God for everything that he has done in my life and where he has brought me from. I know he has taken me from some dark places, but I wish I could see what he sees in me and for me. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and the support they've given and shown me over the last month, really, my life for that matter. But I have to be honest, if it wasn't for my family (father and mother and aunt and uncle) I don't know how I would have made it through this last month, which has been one of the hardest months of my life. Things have changes a lot in the last month, but I really, really, really want to believe that God knew all this before hand and planned to bring me out of this.

Okay, so what's the next year or two going to bring in my life? Well, that's a great question; and while I don't know the answer to that........ I've decided to go back to school, again!!!! Yep, that's right, and I'm going to take-up something I never saw myself taking up. Accounting!!! I HATE math, HATE, but for my job and the extension of my job, (better position, pay, etc.) I've decided to go back and take some courses and hopefully, get my associates in Accounting. I do enjoy the legal field, but I've been given an opportunity at this new law firm to extend my position if I handle their accounting too. I already use Quicken for my personal financial bookkeeping, so that's one plus at this firm, that they use Quicken instead of Quickbooks, but I still need to know some more, I believe. Hopefully, this will help with my position as well as give me some new skills and maybe open up a better job opportunity in the near future. I really ask for your prayers in the next few weeks as I seek God for guidance and answers as to what and where he has me take my life in the near and distant future.

Thank you!