Changes and Glow

It's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I'll be 19 weeks pregnant tomorrow, it's crazy, it seems like yesterday I was told I was pregnant. And while a lot of people don't seem to be very happy for me, yes, I've received crazy messages, talks, questions, etc. from people who know me pretty well and those who don't know me well at all. All kinds of questions, are yall going to get married, are you going to keep the baby, maybe you should give the baby up b/c I know a married couple who've been wanting and trying for a baby and haven't succeeded and well, you're not married so.....

All this to you may not seem like much, but to me, it's just down right hurtful. I get this is not the conventional way to have a baby, I was raised to believe you didn't have kids till you are married and while using birth control and other means of protection sometimes things just happen that are out of your control. If that's too much tmi, well too bad. ;)

What hurts the most is some not many but some who have said questionable things to me don't seem to care that they've really really really hurt my feelings, well it's my body and my baby and I may not have the most luxirous life, but materialist things are NOT what a baby needs, a child needs, love, joy, understanding, time, patience all things I totally am able to give my child without anyone elses opinion.

I do know what I am having and have for 2 weeks now, it will come, it will come but for now I am just praying for a healthy report tomorrow at my 20 week screening. I know it's a week early, but you have to go when your schedule allows.

I also PTL had not one but THREE job offers within like literally a 48 hours, Praise The Lord!! I took the one closest to home because it presented me the easiest and best travel time to get back and forth to my sweet angel.

My Two Cents, For What it's Worth

Okay ladies, I'm going to be blunt and honest and if I offend or you don't agree or like it, I apologize, but this is my opinion.

I loath racist people, seriously how can we (who are) call ourselves Christian yet judge so strongly someone just based on their skin color?

Yes, it's different in other parts of the country and world, but I live, was born and raised, and probably always will be in the South. Heck, let's talk facebook for a minute, I have never put a picture of me and my love on facebook for two reasons, 1. I like to keep it private, yes i blog about him, but seriously not nearly as many people read this blog, come on. 2. I like to keep somethings for myself.

But seriously, I was thinking on my 6+ hr drive home from seeing him last night, WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK. I am SOOOOO TIRED OF LIVING MY LIFE FOR OTHER PEOPLES APPROVAL. Tis why I stayed for 5 years with a man who called me whore, stupid, retard, hit me, put a gun to my head, chocked me, held me down against my will, told me his family would never speak to me again if they knew I'd dated a person outside of my racist.

When I started dating my ex, people were so happy, my Mom, my Dad, people at church, my Mom's friends, why, because he was the first white guy I'd ever dated since after high school.

Please tell me why that matters, if that's what your question is....then you must not live in the racisit South. I have lost friends and everything, been talked about, been called names all because i've dated someone who was not white.......but here's a really funny thing.....I'm not 100% white either....my Grandfather is 100% Filipino, couldn't tell by looking at me, right? Who cares it's still my bloodline and I'm proud of who I am.

What I don't get the most is how people call themselves a Christian, sit in church every Sunday and listen to the word, yet, judge people based on the color of their skin. There is probably someone reading this who is thinking, gross, b/c I've dated outside my race or judging me, but may or may not admit it. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE !!!!

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 6 YEARS, I am with someone who does NOT hit, call me retarded, stupid, whore, worthless and I love him for him, not the color of his skin and if you can't be my friend and accept that and still talk, associate, or be friendly to me well than that's your loss and I'd hate to have to answer to God, who people forget made us ALL!!!

Thank you and Happy Monday Ladies!!

Confessions and Facts

So, I have had several things weighing on my mind lately and so therefore, I am just clearing my mind. I'm sorry if anyone does not agree with or is offended in anyway that I did this post. There is no means to the way I list or post my thoughts that have been heavily weighing on me lately. So with that said, here I go.

• I have had a hard family life and I am now at the point where I really don't care if I have a close or good relationship with my mother and sisters anymore, I can't spend the rest of my lift worrying about this.





• My mother and I have just now started to be able to stand being in the same room without uttering hateful remarks about each other under our breath.



• I have been called ugly names by my mother and I have lived for almost 29 years with the fact that my mother is ashamed of some of the things that make me me.



• I have dated several guys who have either physically or emotionally abused me.



• My ex was a raging alcoholic and I literally was in fear of my life at times and that has in some ways scarred who I am and how I see and think about men and alcohol too.



• I have a fist mark/cracked/dent in my wall on my stair case from my ex punch it while trying to pin me down on the stairs in a drunken rage.



• I hate the person I was for the past few years and what I allowed someone to do to me and how I allowed him to make me feel like I wasn't good enough or didn't deserve better than that.




• 
  
  I went to Al-Anon meeting trying to figure out a way to save a relationship with the man I thought I loved and it just showed me that I needed to run like hell.



• I hate dislike racist people and believe that God created us all in his image and that no one is better than another.



• I am in love and want everyone to now it and I don't care one bit if I loose friends, upset, disappoint, or if my relationship is unapproved of by others, including but not limited to family members. And with that being said.........

I have met the man of my dreams and he is not necessarily the first pick by many for me. He is a tad bit older than me, he has kids, he has a grandchild, but he loves me, supports who I want to be, encourages me, makes me want to be a better person, he is my heart, he is my strength. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am 100% head-over-heels in love and happy!! I met him a couple a months ago and was totally blind-sided by meeting him. I had no clue that I would meet and fall in love with someone I met that night when I went out for the first time to just let loose and have a good time in almost 8 months.

I am happier after being with him for 5 months, then I was with being with my ex for 4 1/2 years. I am so blessed by knowing, loving, and having him love me. He is my heart and the absolute best thing that has EVER happened to me. This relationship is moving rather fast and while some don't think that we've known each other long enough, we don't really care we are doing what we think is best and what we think we want for our future. He is my heart and I could not picture my life without him in it. (and no, I am not getting married)

**And that is all I am telling you for now. There's a lot more to the story and a lot more that I'd love to share, but family has to know everything first. I just couldn't wait and hold it in any longer. I have never openly talked about him really on the blog and I have never facebooked a picture of us b/c I didn't want nosey some people to know that I was seeing anyone.