2014 Goals

WOW!!! I can't believe it's 2014!! so much has happened this year, there have been trials, new goals, new ambitions, and plenty of changes as Millie is growing.  I can't believe we've come so far this year, purchasing a house, fighting for the rights of my child and what is best for her life.  Saying goodbye once and for all to her Father, bringing new people into our lives or old people back into our lives.  Watching one of my greatest friends love my daughter and treat her like his own is the greatest joy.  The love that these to share and the love that I have for both of them is such a joy and gives me so much peace. 

I gave her Father the time I believe to be best for him to make his choices and in essence "grow up" he did not do so and therefore I decided to cut him out.  I sent him a nice message stating that I was moving on with our lives and that I would never stop him from seeing his child if he chose to, but as for me I was going on with my life, I deserve better, I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be loved, I deserve to have the "family" I always planned for us and with that I have peace and I'm moving on. 

Christmas was awesome, we had a great time and enjoyed celebrating, Millie was at such a fun age this year, seeing her eyes when she walked in and saw what Santa and Mommy gave her it was just pure happiness and love and I loved those moments.

I set out to complete a goal, run a 5k and with that goal being complete, I set out to complete another, with that complete, I set out to love running and decided to sign up for my first half.  Running has had its issues along the way, but it's such a joy and accomplishment and high like no other that I feel when I'm done that keeps me pushing for more.  Yes, I caught the running bug this year!!! There really is such a thing, I'm living proof. 

Happy 2014!!!  Bring it on!!!

Broken

I found out today that the man I love, the man that I thought I'd marry and spend forever with is dying. While trying to protect me he wants me to not be involved and move on. Easier said then done. My heart is breaking for him and for me and his children as well. I love him with all my heart and would trade places in a heartbeat with him. I pray that he knows the Lord and that I will see him again one day in heaven.

Please pray for him, his children, and me as well.

WHAT Went WRONG!!!

I went to visit my boyfriend last night, drove 5 & 1/2 hrs each way, had a fabulous time or so I thought. I said I love you, he said I love you; then today we woke-up things were fine, we did his laundry, he held me and we watched tv and then he gets a call from his Aunt; we go back to watching tv, nothing seemed wrong. He had to go to work; I thought I'd stay one more night he said he thought it was best that I go on home b/c of his roommate and not knowning what he really thought of me staying there last night so didn't wanna surprise him with another night. So I left, then I texted him a few times, he finally texts me back on his break at work and says" "I'm going through some things right now and i think it's best if we don't see each other" WTF, really? Last night you tell me you love me and today you tell me on my 5 1/2 hr drive home, through text you don't think it's best if we see each other anymore?>???

What happened? What went wrong?? There's got to be more to this??? I'm not giving up, these have been the BEST 5 months, the ones with him. There's got to be a reason and I honestly don't think it's someone else I really think he's having issues.

I did text him and ask what was wrong, was it me, did I do something, is everything okay, was/IS there someone else???? I turned off my phone and haven't heard an answer as of the time I turned it off. PLEASE PLEASE pray for me and him and that he responds. I CAN:T move on or know what is going on till he tells me. If he honestly said yes he met someone else, it would actually make it easier b/c I could hate him, but nothing just doesn't help. 5 1/2 months, always great and we work out our fights, I was so blindsided by this.

Honestly I feel something really is going on with him and i don't think it involves another woman, I think it's family related and I pray that he sees and misses me the way I already miss him and it's only been 2 hrs. I know we always talk and I just didn't see this coming. I jsut wanna die right now, honestly that's how I feel. I would have rather him said there was someone else so that I could hate him. But I really again, don't think that's it, but is it me? is it our issues? is it my insecurities? What is it? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray I get my answers and my heart isn't totally broken again. PLease I so love this man and we've always talked about a future, marriage, heck he even proposed (I think jokingly though) once before, we've discussed marriage, kids, planning our future, I was again so blindsided.

YES I am posting this as I have been crying my eyes out for the last 2 + hrs so please excuse the spelling mistakes.

Pray for me please, I'm dying right noiw and again, pray I get an answer

Confessions and Facts

So, I have had several things weighing on my mind lately and so therefore, I am just clearing my mind. I'm sorry if anyone does not agree with or is offended in anyway that I did this post. There is no means to the way I list or post my thoughts that have been heavily weighing on me lately. So with that said, here I go.

• I have had a hard family life and I am now at the point where I really don't care if I have a close or good relationship with my mother and sisters anymore, I can't spend the rest of my lift worrying about this.





• My mother and I have just now started to be able to stand being in the same room without uttering hateful remarks about each other under our breath.



• I have been called ugly names by my mother and I have lived for almost 29 years with the fact that my mother is ashamed of some of the things that make me me.



• I have dated several guys who have either physically or emotionally abused me.



• My ex was a raging alcoholic and I literally was in fear of my life at times and that has in some ways scarred who I am and how I see and think about men and alcohol too.



• I have a fist mark/cracked/dent in my wall on my stair case from my ex punch it while trying to pin me down on the stairs in a drunken rage.



• I hate the person I was for the past few years and what I allowed someone to do to me and how I allowed him to make me feel like I wasn't good enough or didn't deserve better than that.




• 
  
  I went to Al-Anon meeting trying to figure out a way to save a relationship with the man I thought I loved and it just showed me that I needed to run like hell.



• I hate dislike racist people and believe that God created us all in his image and that no one is better than another.



• I am in love and want everyone to now it and I don't care one bit if I loose friends, upset, disappoint, or if my relationship is unapproved of by others, including but not limited to family members. And with that being said.........

I have met the man of my dreams and he is not necessarily the first pick by many for me. He is a tad bit older than me, he has kids, he has a grandchild, but he loves me, supports who I want to be, encourages me, makes me want to be a better person, he is my heart, he is my strength. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am 100% head-over-heels in love and happy!! I met him a couple a months ago and was totally blind-sided by meeting him. I had no clue that I would meet and fall in love with someone I met that night when I went out for the first time to just let loose and have a good time in almost 8 months.

I am happier after being with him for 5 months, then I was with being with my ex for 4 1/2 years. I am so blessed by knowing, loving, and having him love me. He is my heart and the absolute best thing that has EVER happened to me. This relationship is moving rather fast and while some don't think that we've known each other long enough, we don't really care we are doing what we think is best and what we think we want for our future. He is my heart and I could not picture my life without him in it. (and no, I am not getting married)

**And that is all I am telling you for now. There's a lot more to the story and a lot more that I'd love to share, but family has to know everything first. I just couldn't wait and hold it in any longer. I have never openly talked about him really on the blog and I have never facebooked a picture of us b/c I didn't want nosey some people to know that I was seeing anyone.

Why do these things always happen?

You know that whole, "you meet someone when you're least expecting it"? Yep, story of my life. Let's go back about 6 wks now, maybe even 8 (not really sure, wasn't counting) anyways, I went out with one of my good friends Brad and Nancy, I met this wonderful guy who i wasn't really interested in talking to, because I really to be quite honest wasn't really interested in talking to anyone. Well, he has since swept me off my feet, spending every moment we could together, all weekend long and a few trips me up there and him here (he was about 45 min outside of here) well last Wednesday I get a text saying, "I really need to see you" I told him it was girls night so I would come down there or he could come here Thursday night and we'd talk. Well, lets just say I wasn't expecting that talk....I tell you, I expected something much worse, like he lied and was married or had a girlfriend, something along those lines as I always think negative it seems.

Well that wasn't the case, the case is, he travels for work and is always moving with a job, it could be 3 months here, 6 weeks there, a year here, just depends. Wow, that through me for a loop, I actually laughed and said, "that I can live with, I thought you were gonna say you were married or something" hahaha, (he didn't find it humorous) anyways, so now, we're doing the whole "long distance thing" well I really ticked him off with 50 million questions Saturday night and I know he was getting frustrated and yes, I tried to back-off, but it's hard when you have honestly fallen head of heels and you hear those words "I have to leave, but don't want too". It was honestly like a knife to my heart I literally can't begin to tell you how I felt looking at him not knowing when I'd see him again. So we had the dreaded, "do you wanna do the long-distance thing" conversation. I have to be honest, I've never done a long-distance relationship, but I can tell you this, getting to text him everyday and speak to him a few times a week and see him hopefully at least once a month is way better than thinking I'd never see him again.

I can't begin to tell you ladies how hard this is for me, because I'm not the kind to trust easy or fall hard very quickly. I've enjoyed the last almost year of being single and doing whatever it is that I want to do, but there's something about him that I totally love, the way he talks to me, the way he listens, the way he makes me feel like I am something important, well that all seemed great and scary to me. So Sunday afternoon before he left, I laid it all out there, the "whole kit and caboodle" type thing, totaled him exactly how i felt and lets just say, he told me how he felt earlier last week and then Saturday he told me something I just ignored (i'm sure you can figure that one out ladies) then yesterday I said it back to him, I gave myself the okay to feel this way for someone again and just went all heart in. I have never felt this way about someone in such a short time and I'm really hoping the distance doesn't destroy it, I'm scared to death but love the feeling I have when I see, talk, text, anything with him. He treats me amazing when we're together and I have to ask or do nothing, he just gets it and gives me the world when we're together. Hopefully, the silence in him yesterday evening and today isn't a bad sign, because he's hardly spoken since 5 yesterday evening, hopefully it's just because he is finally getting to spend time with his family again. But I seriously have a fear of scaring him off with my emotions, lets face it, ladies, we're emotional creatures and I think even through text messages that can come across. I am hoping that things haven't changed for him in less than 48 hours, especially after all he said to me Saturday night, but I hope that it's just that he's spending time with his family and trying not to make me so sad.

Please pray for me, this is a scary journey to me right now, but one that I am totally willing to take, I can't say enough about him, he was truly unexpected and he has really been wonderful to me. I just pray he hasn't changed his mind in the 24 hrs he's been home, surely it's just the stress and time he was with his family. Comments are definitely welcomed.