Well, I've been dealing with a lot of issues lately and have not been able to express or desire to express the situation in here, but here I go.
First off, I feel like crap and hate myself at this moment b/c I've literally put on like 40 lbs since October of this past year, most of which was put on between Thanksgiving and New Year. It's amazing how easy it comes on and how hard it is to lose it. This past weekend was HELL for me and that is putting it nicely. I've been struggling with a lot of people in my life right now and deciding what to do in several different situations. I understand people love and care for me and I understand that I have made so bad decisions when it comes to guys in my past. I've made it no secret about the way my ex treated me in this blog, nor do I intend to start. Yes he abused me both verbally and physically, yes he treated me like I was nothing, yes I stayed, yes I left and went back. But in July last year that all changed for good.
I will always remember my sisters wedding, not just for the wedding, but for the life changing event that took place at her rehearsal dinner. I am being 100% truthful and upfront with this and I hope that you ladies don't judge me because of it. I am not proud of my actions on that night, but I am proud of the overall result that was me ending things with Craig.
It is known by everyone that was friends with us that Craig had a drinking problem and that he was verbally and sometimes physically abusive. I hate to imagine and think that I stayed for almost 5 years, but I did. Those are my mid 20's and I can't get them back for anything. I was controlled like no one should ever be and I see that more clearly with each passing day that went on. And what I had mistaken for happiness, was just someone that I once looked at with love and thought that one day I would get that feeling back adn Jack Daniels would no longer rule our lives.
Alcohol is a killer and I know that better than some and not as well as others. I thank the Lord everyday that I was NEVER killed through everything. The stories I could tell you, you would think, "this girl was crazy for staying as long as she did" and that would be accurate, but to m;y defense I did love him and believe that he could and would change one day. I remember the night he came to my house b/c I hung up on him and refused to go out b/c he was so drunk, he drove to my house and I like an idiot got in the car, I clearly remember the mailbox we hit leaving my neighborhood that should have changed my life forever, but it didn't even awaken me.
I remember the night I was driving his truck down Summer Avenue and yes I was speeding, but that was no reason for him to ball up his fist and hit me not once, not twice, but 3 times in th arm leaving a bruise I still have a picture on my computer of to this day to remind me what I CAN NEVER GO THROUGH AGAIN. I remember lying for him every time he left any physical evidence on my body and saying that it was all my fault. I remember thinking, that if I would just not "talk back" or say such ugly words back to him when he was drinking that it would never have happened, any of it.
Ladies, abuse is real and I am learning everyday the kind of abuse I have allowed myself to suffer at the hand of not only my ex, but the guy I dated through high school too. Yes, I may be crazy but I have come to terms at this point in my life that I can and will NO LONGER allow anyone boyfriend, girlfriends, parents, etc. to control me; the only person who can and should control me besides myself is Jesus. I am thankful today as I write this that I not only survived one abusive relationship, but I survived 2!!! I WILL NEVER GO BACK AND REPEAT THAT AGAIN!!!
As I write this right now to hold not only myself responsible but to try and get people to understand it's not always black and white and it's not always easy just turn and walk away. Yes, I wish I had now, but I can't change it. I let it happen as much as it happened to me because I stayed and went back.
I have been miserable and yet happier than I've been in a long time the last 6 months, but I've allowed my weight to come back on in a big way in a short time. I WILL get it off if it kills me before may, it's like 2 lbs a week, I can do that!!! But more than that, I want to be happy again and when I was an 8 I was happy with myself. 2 sizes bigger. I HATE what I look and feel like and I will make it b4 May comes to a close!!!!
I am starting a book today called "Codependent No More" I realize I have an issue with "people pleasing" and I really should have an issue with "God pleasing" and "Meredith pleasing". My life is better now because of what I've been through and as my old pastor told me, God may have had you go through all this to help someone else some day.
Please pray for me as I seek what I need to do out, I have to admit that I am a very bitter and angry person, not just at Craig, but at myself too. I chose to take him back and say 4 1/2 years too long. But at this point, God is really pulling on my heart and I know he's going to do something great if I just listen and not let the anger and resentment take over my life. From today on I will NOT let the past control me or my weight and I will become the HAPPIEST I'VE EVER BEEN.
This year will be MY YEAR!!!!
Proverbs 18:10 "The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe."